In a (simon and gar) FUNK (el) - Writing 101 – Day 48

 

Hello darkness, my old friend.

It’s come to my attention that these posts are often rough around the edges. You may find misspellings or even missing words. That is, if not intentional, than at least to be expected. I write these to mimic as closely I can a conversation. A mostly one-sided one, to be sure, but if you’ve ever had a conversation with me, that is pretty much par for the course. I have phone calls with my parents and my wife asks me how they are, and I say “Good.” Then she asks for more details and I have none, because I have dominated the conversation for 30 minutes to an hour. It’s all me just jabbering to fill up the space. I am a compulsive talker. Of course, I don’t get enough, so here I am on and online blog, spilling even more of my inner thoughts. Maybe I just feel the need to share myself in some desperate attempt to validate myself and connect with my fellow human beings. Maybe.

I’ve come to talk with you again.

A little insight into my mood in this moment, it is dark. If you need a warning of some sort, there it is. This post may be dark. If you have triggers for dark stuff, you may need to stop now. The song I am quoting often comes to mind, because darkness is an old friend of mine. I may have a great day, full of wonderful interactions with amazing people, and then, out of nowhere, my old friend creeps up, says hello. It is here with me now, sitting in my heart, weighing me down. I push on and keep going, because that is how I have learned to cope with it. It brings tears to my eyes and grabs ahold of my limbs, but I just keep pressing on. I know, it sounds melodramatic. If you don’t deal with this, it sounds silly. I should just snap out of it. Believe me, I know. I’ve tried. It doesn’t care. It remains.

In restless dreams, I walked alone.

Yesterday someone I consider a friend posted online about some recent suicidal thoughts. It tore me in two. I have been there and fought that fight within. I wanted to reach through the internet and let him feel the respect I felt for him, the joy his existence brings me. I wanted him to feel what I feel about him. I can use words to tell him, and I did, but words are so inadequate when dealing with the darkness. I knew that there was little I could say that would change how he was feeling. It made me sad. There are other people in my life that struggle the same way, and I can’t help them anymore than I can help myself. It is something we all must face, in our own way.

…I saw…people talking without speaking…without listening…voices never shared

The internet has made me so more connected, but yet, there remains something missing. I would like to say, being in person makes a difference, and maybe it does, but I have been sitting across the room from someone expressing the same feelings, and I might as well be in another plane of existence. The are in there, isolated by their emotions, and there is little I can do for them. I speak words, offer comfort and kindness, and hope that somehow it is enough.

Silence like a cancer grows

The good news is that I know that this will not last forever. If I can make it past this moment, eventually the darkness will fade. I know that is true for me, and I try to tell those who are suffering the same thing. You may be facing an unsurmountable mountain of darkness. You may be in an unfathomable pit. If you hold on long enough, the intensity will fade, at least for a while. It may come back, you may have to face it again, but I have learned to find comfort in the moments of peace, in the sparks of joy. I can choose where to focus, so I focus on what light I can find. Often I find that relishing those times makes them seem to stretch out longer. It seems to hold the darkness at bay for another little bit. That makes it more than worth it.

…the sign flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming

Then I find the things that have given me positive moments in the past, and I do them. Sometimes it is eating something I especially enjoy. Sometimes it is talking to someone I connect with. Sometimes it is laughing at an entertainer in some form of media. And, I have also found, it helps when I write. So I come here, to my internet hideaway, my “subway walls and tenement halls” and I write. If you struggle to, then let me encourage you to face down your darkness. I guarantee you that, though you don’t know it, and it may not seem like it, you are the person that is a light in someone else’s darkness. You are what helps them through. So, go out there and be you. Let who you are be what helps someone else. Together, we will sit and whisper

…in the sound of silence