Spoon! - Writing 101 – Day 45

 

NaNoWriMo started out for me like a typical project. Day One I was gung-ho and set out with great eagerness and enthusiasm. I wrote way more than necessary and felt overwhelmed and burnt-out. I woke up on Day Two with a lot of hope and plans for what I was going to do. All my headspace was set right, I knew what was important and what was not. No pressure, just do what I could and be satisfied. It didn’t matter what my head thought however, I felt like I was under increasing pressure and as the day wore on the anxiety and panic set in. By the end of the day, I was cowering in a corner of my mind. I ended up writing nothing.

In the past that would’ve been the end of it. I would have given up and done nothing else. Maybe moped for several days, doubted my abilities and put the project on the shelf for a long time, at least until next year, maybe forever. Today however, I have taken a deep breath and got back at it. I don’t have to climb the whole mountain at once, heck, I don’t even have to climb the whole mountain. I just have to get as far as I can. Enough is good enough. It is important to remember that and give myself permission to not be perfect.

Part of the problem is a spoon shortage. Many of you reading this may know of Spoon Theory. If you don’t, there are plenty of wonderful places to learn about it on the internet. I will give you my version, but please, explore it on your own.

My version of Spoon Theory goes like this:

Every night we are visited by The Spoon Fairy. This kindly individual doles out a number of spoons for us to use for the upcoming day, and takes back any leftover spoons from yesterday. The number varies, depending on, I’m convinced, some evil algorithm that corporate has forced the fairy to follow. Or maybe it depends on how many bluebells the fairy saw on the way over. I’m not sure, but it is rarely the same number every night. Sometimes, out of spite, the fairy leaves nothing at all. The next morning, the unsuspecting recipient wakes up and begins their day. As they are faced with what the day brings, they are forced to spend their spoons. Spoons can be spent in many ways, but usually they are used for the physical, mental or emotional strength needed to deal with the days many challenges. To add to the capriciousness of the system, the amount that a task costs in spoons varies from day to day and person to person. What may only take you one spoon to accomplish may take me twenty, and tomorrow due to spoonflation, cost 40. There is no rhyme or reason, it just is.

This concept is especially potent for people that suffer from invisible disabilities. It may be hidden physical pain, wrestling with grief, a mood disorder, an undiagnosed syndrome or some other illness that is very real, but difficult for others to see. These health issues can severely limit the number of spoons they receive every day, or, conversely, cause them to spend more spoons than the average person. So, you may be working next to someone that is smiling and laughing and seems to be perfectly ok, but what you can’t see is that just maintaining that appearance of normalcy is making them burn through spoons at the rate of a Baskin Robbins on free scoop day. The end result is that they may not have the ability to do what seems appropriate, and oftentimes may seem lazy, inattentive and lacking productivity. They seem to be choosing to not do what needs to be done. The problem is, this is not a choice, it happens because they have run out of spoons.

It is important to understand that this is not some creative excuse that people have come up with to brush off their responsibilities. It is a metaphor, but spoons and running out of them are very real. The complex processes that are going on in the bodies of people with these health issues are hard to explain, but they are very, very real. Spoon Theory is just a way to picture them. It simply helps put a concrete reality on something that is hard to see. Most people I’ve interacted with that struggle with these issues, recognize the reality of Spoon Theory and are often grateful to finally have a way to put it into words.

Understand, it is possible to keep going when your spoons have run out. It is possible to keep pushing yourself. But there are consequences. What are they you ask? Well, let me mix metaphors for a second and tell you about something I did once when I was much younger and more foolish. I had a car and it often had a check engine light come on. I knew that this was just an idiot light and I could ignore it for a while until I had a chance to take care of it. Usually, after a week or two, I would just put a quart of oil in and everything would be fine. Until the day that the engine made this horrific clanging and grinding noise. The mechanic said I had thrown a rod, or something. Apparently, it is not good to run a car without any oil. That is what it is like to push yourself when you are out of spoons.

Why all this talk about spoons? Because I have a hidden illness that I wrestle with and every day I wake up wondering how many spoons I will have. I make plans when I have plenty of spoons, and then must fulfill them on days when I don’t. Yesterday I woke up with a head full of happiness and plans. By 10:30 a.m. I was out of spoons. Normal, everyday things had happened, and I was left dazed and confused. It was nothing tragic, nothing horrible, just normal stuff. Oh, certain kinds of interactions burn through my spoons faster than others, but none of it would be remarkable to the average person. I found myself early in the morning with an average days’ worth of responsibilities, and not a spoon in sight. So I did what every responsible adult among us does. I pushed through, moved on, did what had to be done. It wasn’t pretty, I didn’t go overboard, I just made it through the day. And as I went, I could hear the gears grinding. I wasn’t doing well. I needed the day to be over. My engine started smoking.

So I didn’t write anything. The pressure of it loomed over me all day, but when I finally had the time and space to write, I was not only out of spoons, but my engine was shrieking and I had nothing left to give. And in that moment, I knew, it was ok. I could stop, and try it on another day. I would get some more spoons, and be able to come back at it that day. To be honest, today didn’t start out well. I did not have a good first half of the day. However, as the day wore on, I got a second wind. Now I find myself sitting here, with a handful of spoons, and I was happy to spend a few, here, with you, writing about it being ok to give yourself a break. Also, if you are down to your last spoon, there are worse things to do with it than to eat a bowl of ice cream. I’m just sayin’, ice cream can heal a whole lot of hurts. Here’s to you. May the Spoon Fairy be bountiful and may your oil pan never run dry!