Stop, Pause, Continue.

I am trying to write a post about the new job I am starting on Monday. This is a very good thing. I am very happy and excited about it.
This is wonderful news. I am trying to let everyone that was so worried about me know that things are getting back to normal. I am starting to do the things I did before the cancer. I led praise and worship at kids church last Saturday and it was a tremendous joy. I am trying to say all these wonderful things and be happy. And yet, I do not feel happy.

If you get to know me very well you will find out that I don't trust feelings. I enjoy good feelings. I express my feelings. I just don't trust them. Feelings are very poor indicators of reality. They seem to exist outside of our physical bodies, but it is our chemistry that affects them quite significantly (or effects them, I never can get those two words right.) Music can create feelings. Pictures can create feelings. That proves what poor objective indicators of reality they are. They are completely subjective and easily manipulated. My wife often asks me how what I say differs so much from what I say I feel. For me at least, there is often a disconnect between what I see, think, and believe, and what I feel.

I received two job offers the early part of this month. Two! One was to start right away and paid a decent bit more than what I was making before. The other wasn't sure when it started and was about the same as what I had been making. One was about the same distance away as my previous job, the other was further. But one seemed to be high stress and anyone could do it. The other seemed to be highly fulfilling, and they were looking to develop me long term. So I accepted the furher away, lower paying job. And I couldn't be happier about it. Truly I am thrilled. This is going to be great. The position is in an area of the company that is growing and it looks like I will be perfectly positioned to grow with it. I will also be speaking Spanish and working with Central and South America. I am excited. I start Monday morning, November 25th, 2013. I can't wait.

I should be funny. I have been told people enjoy my humor in my posts. But I don't feel funny, or happy. I feel overwhelmed. I feel sad. I feel tired. These feelings will change. By morning a new set of feelings will be visiting. A new day will dawn. For tonight however, I just don't feel...good. I have learned not to dwell on the present feelings. I have learned to accept them and let them flow where they will. Controlling emotions is a myth. We can control how we react to them, how we express them and how we deal with them, but emotions have a will of their own.

This has been a long road. Yesterday I had a meeting with someone and we talked about just how long a road it had been. Not just this summer, but somehow with this person that was not a counselor or psychiatrist, I covered the last 16 years, from the death of Sandy to the loss of my last job, and all the stuff in between. He asked a few questions, and it all came out. It is good to see how far I have come. It has been a hard road in some places. A very hard road. But there have been great good times as well. I have made it through, with the help of friends, of a very loving family, of a wonderful wife, of two great kids, and of a merciful God. (I know some of my readers don't believe in God. That's ok. My beliefs are part of my life just like yours are part of yours. I could no more leave them out then I could quit using all these exciting parentheses.) 

There are times when I just want to sit back, close my eyes, and pray for the quiet at the center of the storm. Monday changes things. The structure of my last 4 years changed with the downsizing from my last job. The strange structure of the last 4 months started with the finding of the tumor. Now I will be building a new structure, new habits. My family will be working out how the new schedule fits and I will be changing as a person, gaining new skills and relationships. There is apprehension as I set out on a new journey, but this is a good journey. I am glad for it. I am thankful for it, and for the support I have had these past few months. Here's to new roads and new journeys. Here is to what lies ahead. 

The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down
If we lean into it
Will drive our fears away - Amy Grant "How Can We See That Far"